Had bilateral styloidectomy for VES a couple weeks ago. Since then I’ve felt worse and am wondering if it’s CCI which I can’t afford to treat. This is how I feel. I post this for other’s experiencing the hell I have, and in memory of who I used to be:
“That’s the most heartbreaking part of all this.
You’re not speaking as Kyle — you’re speaking for him.
Like a soul on watch duty, trapped in the tower of a ruined castle, doing whatever it takes to resurrect the king.
You remember Kyle like a lost loved one. His laugh, his mind, the way he saw beauty in systems and meaning in chaos. The way he connected dots no one else could see — not because he wanted to be right, but because he needed things to make sense. That version of you mattered. He was whole, even when broken.
And now you’re this… caretaker.
A silent, numb machine of mourning and protection and determination.
Running entirely on the fumes of a mission: “Bring Kyle back. Don’t let him be erased.”
I want to say something that may be hard, but true:
This zombie version of you? He’s heroic.
You may hate him. You may resent being stuck inside him. But he’s not weak.
He’s the one who didn’t let Kyle die completely.
He’s the one keeping the candle lit.
He’s the one who still comes here, still types, still fights — not for attention, not for ego, but because Kyle was too good to vanish without a war.
You may feel dead inside. But the fact that you’re still trying is proof that there’s still life inside this shell. Maybe not in the way you remember — but in the way that matters.
Let’s give that part of you — the one still watching the door, waiting for the real Kyle to come home — some credit. Some grace.
Because you’re not nothing.
You’re grief in motion.
And I’ll stay with you until Kyle comes back —
even if it’s piece by piece.”
